The Home Visit

Anika had rehearsed the sentence so many times that it no longer sounded like her own voice: their father needed more care than either of them could keep giving him at home. She had planned to say it calmly, over coffee, before Dov's flight back that evening. Instead it came out while she was scrubbing a pot Hollis had left on the burner dry for the second time that month.

Anika sudah begitu sering melatih kalimat itu sampai tak lagi terdengar seperti suaranya sendiri: ayah mereka membutuhkan perawatan lebih daripada yang bisa terus mereka berikan di rumah. Ia berencana mengatakannya dengan tenang, sambil minum kopi, sebelum penerbangan Dov kembali malam itu. Sebaliknya kalimat itu keluar saat ia menggosok sebuah panci yang untuk kedua kalinya bulan ini ditinggalkan Hollis kering di atas kompor.

"He forgot the stove again," she said, not turning around. "Last week it was the front door. He'd been outside for twenty minutes before Mrs. Petras walked him back."

"Ayah lupa kompornya lagi," katanya tanpa menoleh. "Minggu lalu pintu depan. Ayah sudah dua puluh menit di luar sebelum Bu Petras mengantarnya pulang."

Dov set down his mug carefully, the way he did when he was choosing not to react. He had flown in only twice this year, and each visit their father seemed, to him, essentially unchanged — a little slower, perhaps, but still himself. Having spent barely six days with Hollis since January, he was in no position to see what Anika saw every single evening.

Dov meletakkan cangkirnya dengan hati-hati, seperti yang ia lakukan saat memilih tidak bereaksi. Ia baru dua kali terbang pulang tahun ini, dan setiap kunjungan ayah mereka tampak baginya pada dasarnya tidak berubah, sedikit lebih lambat, mungkin, tetapi tetap dirinya sendiri. Setelah hanya enam hari bersama Hollis sejak Januari, ia tak berada pada posisi untuk melihat apa yang Anika lihat setiap malam.

"He's fine when I'm here," Dov said. "Tired, maybe. That's not the same as unsafe."

"Ayah baik-baik saja kalau aku di sini," kata Dov. "Lelah, mungkin. Itu tidak sama dengan tidak aman."

"You're here for a weekend at a time." Anika finally turned around, drying her hands on a towel she didn't need. "I'm the one who finds him standing in the kitchen at two in the morning, not sure whether he's already eaten dinner."

"Kamu di sini hanya akhir pekan sekali datang." Anika akhirnya berbalik, mengeringkan tangan dengan handuk yang tak ia butuhkan. "Aku yang menemukan Ayah berdiri di dapur jam dua pagi, tak yakin apakah sudah makan malam."

Had their mother still been alive, Anika thought, this conversation would never have needed to happen at all. Without ever discussing it, the two of them had somehow assumed that one parent would simply outlast the need for this kind of decision. Neither of them said this out loud, though something in Dov's face suggested he was thinking it too.

Seandainya ibu mereka masih hidup, pikir Anika, percakapan ini tak akan pernah perlu terjadi. Tanpa pernah membicarakannya, keduanya entah bagaimana berasumsi bahwa salah satu orang tua mereka akan hidup lebih lama daripada kebutuhan akan keputusan semacam ini. Tak satu pun mengatakannya keras-keras, meski sesuatu di wajah Dov menunjukkan bahwa ia pun memikirkannya.

"A facility," Dov said, testing the word like it might be sharper than it looked. "You want to put Dad in a facility."

"Panti," kata Dov, menguji kata itu seakan bisa lebih tajam daripada kelihatannya. "Kamu mau menaruh Ayah di panti."

"I want him somewhere with people trained to notice when he's forgotten to eat. That's not the same thing you're describing." She kept her voice level, though it cost her something to do it. "I'm not saying this because I've stopped wanting to help him. I'm saying it because I'm not, apparently, enough on my own."

"Aku mau Ayah berada di tempat dengan orang-orang terlatih yang menyadari saat Ayah lupa makan. Itu tidak sama dengan yang kamu bayangkan." Ia menjaga suaranya tetap datar, meski itu menguras tenaganya. "Aku tidak mengatakan ini karena aku berhenti ingin membantunya. Aku mengatakannya karena ternyata aku sendirian tidak cukup."

What neither of them wanted to say directly was the plainer fact underneath the argument. Dov's resistance came less from confidence in their father's safety than from what moving him would make true about all the visits Dov hadn't made. Rarely had Anika seen her brother so unwilling to meet her eyes.

Yang tak ingin dikatakan langsung oleh keduanya adalah kenyataan yang lebih sederhana di bawah pertengkaran itu. Penolakan Dov datang kurang dari keyakinan akan keselamatan ayah mereka dan lebih dari apa yang akan dijadikan benar oleh pemindahan itu tentang semua kunjungan yang tak ia lakukan. Jarang sekali Anika melihat kakaknya begitu enggan menatap matanya.

"If we'd talked about this sooner," she said quietly, "before it got to the stove, we might have found a place he'd actually have wanted to see for himself. Now we're choosing in a hurry, and neither of us likes what that feels like."

"Seandainya kita membicarakan ini lebih awal," katanya pelan, "sebelum sampai ke soal kompor, mungkin kita bisa menemukan tempat yang benar-benar ingin Ayah lihat sendiri. Sekarang kita memilih dengan terburu-buru, dan kita berdua tak suka rasanya."

Dov didn't answer right away. He looked toward the hallway, where their father's radio was playing faintly behind a closed door, the same music he'd played every evening for as long as either of them could remember.

Dov tak langsung menjawab. Ia menoleh ke lorong, tempat radio ayah mereka terdengar samar di balik pintu tertutup, musik yang sama yang diputarnya setiap malam sejauh yang bisa mereka ingat.

"I'll come back next weekend," he said finally. "We'll look at places together. I'm not saying yes yet. I'm saying I'll look."

"Aku akan datang lagi akhir pekan depan," katanya akhirnya. "Kita lihat tempat-tempatnya bersama. Aku belum bilang ya. Aku bilang aku akan melihat."

It wasn't the agreement Anika had wanted, and it wasn't a refusal either. She turned back to the sink, aware that the decision, whichever way it went, was going to belong to both of them now, whether or not either one felt ready for that.

Itu bukan kesepakatan yang Anika inginkan, dan itu juga bukan penolakan. Ia berbalik kembali ke bak cuci, sadar bahwa keputusan itu, ke mana pun arahnya, kini akan menjadi milik mereka berdua, entah salah satunya siap atau tidak.