The Anniversary Question

Cora and Emil have been together for two years, and Cora has started to notice a pattern. Every time she brings up the future, even casually, Emil changes the subject.

Cora dan Emil sudah dua tahun bersama, dan Cora mulai menyadari sebuah pola. Setiap kali ia membicarakan masa depan, bahkan sambil lalu, Emil mengganti topik.

Tonight, over dinner, she decides not to let it happen again. "Can I ask you something," she says, "and can you actually answer it this time?"

Malam ini, saat makan malam, ia memutuskan tidak akan membiarkannya terulang lagi. "Boleh aku tanya sesuatu," katanya, "dan bisakah kamu benar-benar menjawabnya kali ini?"

Emil sets down his fork. "That sounds serious."

Emil meletakkan garpunya. "Kedengarannya serius."

"It's not meant to be scary," Cora says. "I just want to know where you see this going. Us, I mean. Not tomorrow. In a year, maybe two."

"Maksudnya bukan untuk menakutimu," kata Cora. "Aku cuma ingin tahu kamu melihat hubungan ini mau ke mana. Kita, maksudku. Bukan besok. Setahun lagi, mungkin dua tahun."

Emil is quiet for a moment. "Honestly? I've been avoiding that question because I don't have a clean answer for it."

Emil terdiam sejenak. "Jujur? Aku menghindari pertanyaan itu karena aku tidak punya jawaban yang rapi untuknya."

"That's not the same as not caring," Cora says carefully. "But I've been assuming things I probably shouldn't have."

"Itu tidak sama dengan tidak peduli," kata Cora hati-hati. "Tapi aku sudah berasumsi hal-hal yang seharusnya tidak."

"Like what?"

"Misalnya apa?"

"Like maybe you're not sure about us at all. Like maybe I'm more invested in this than you are."

"Misalnya mungkin kamu sama sekali tidak yakin tentang kita. Misalnya mungkin aku lebih banyak berinvestasi dalam hubungan ini daripada kamu."

Emil shakes his head quickly. "That's not it. If I'm honest, I think about our future all the time. I just haven't figured out how to say any of it out loud. I don't want to sound like I'm making promises I can't keep."

Emil menggeleng cepat. "Bukan begitu. Kalau jujur, aku memikirkan masa depan kita sepanjang waktu. Aku hanya belum menemukan cara untuk mengucapkannya keras-keras. Aku tidak mau terdengar seperti membuat janji yang tidak bisa kutepati."

"You don't have to have it all figured out," Cora says. "I'm not asking for a plan. I just need to know I'm not the only one thinking about this."

"Kamu tidak harus punya semuanya serba pasti," kata Cora. "Aku tidak meminta rencana. Aku hanya perlu tahu bahwa bukan hanya aku yang memikirkannya."

Emil reaches across the table and takes her hand. "You're not. I've wanted to bring this up for weeks. I kept putting it off because I was worried I'd say the wrong thing."

Emil meraih tangannya melintasi meja. "Bukan hanya kamu. Aku sudah berminggu-minggu ingin membahas ini. Aku terus menundanya karena takut salah bicara."

"You could have just said that," Cora says, half laughing, half relieved.

"Kamu bisa saja bilang begitu dari tadi," kata Cora, setengah tertawa, setengah lega.

"I know. I should have." He pauses. "For what it's worth, when I picture five years from now, you're in it. I just hadn't said that part out loud before."

"Aku tahu. Seharusnya begitu." Ia berhenti sejenak. "Kalau itu ada artinya, saat aku membayangkan lima tahun lagi, kamu ada di dalamnya. Hanya saja aku belum pernah mengatakan bagian itu keras-keras."

Cora feels something in her chest loosen, a tension she hadn't fully noticed until it was gone. She doesn't need a ring or a date. She just needed to know they were imagining the same thing.

Cora merasakan sesuatu di dadanya mengendur, ketegangan yang baru ia sadari sepenuhnya setelah hilang. Ia tidak butuh cincin atau tanggal. Ia hanya perlu tahu bahwa mereka membayangkan hal yang sama.

They finish dinner slower than usual, talking more openly than they have in months.

Mereka menghabiskan makan malam lebih lambat dari biasanya, bicara lebih terbuka daripada yang pernah mereka lakukan selama berbulan-bulan.